You know how every club always has that one complete dick? Well, follow these easy steps, and that dick can be you, my friend. And ladies, you don’t have to be a dude to be the biggest dick at the club. This simple guide can be applied to either gender for universal dickishness.
It’s Friday night. You’ve put up with bullshit at your job all week, and tonight you’re going out and getting hammered. You’re going to walk into that club like your daddy owns the place, get your dance on, and wake-up next to a poor judgment-call snoring in your bed.
1.) You’ll need to begin by suppressing all basic codes of social conduct. When you were a child, your mother worked hard to teach you manners. She made sure you said “please” and “thank you” when asking for things, said “excuse me” when you bumped into someone, apologized when you’d done someone harm. You will want to disregard all this training. Every proper dick at the club knows that when large numbers of people and alcohol are combined in a dark room with music, manners cease to exist. It’s one of Newton’s lesser known laws.
2.) You’ll want to start it off right. As soon as you walk up to the club, make sure you find some friends near the front of the line and join them. You’re important. You’re not just another peon who waits in line. Don’t these people know who you are? If anyone complains that you’re cutting, blow them off, or better yet, make mocking baby noises at them as you argue with the bouncer about the cover charge.
3.) Once you’re in, you’ll need a drink. Be sure to shove your way through the crowd at the bar like a bulldozer, check out the bartender’s tits, and order no less than 12 shots, and then round up your herd of foil-shirt future date rapists to swarm the bar like a team of locusts, crowding out everyone else in line.
4.) When talking to a girl, make sure you look her up and down upon approach. Also, you’ll want to call her “baby” or “sweetheart” in your opening line, and when she tells you her name, find a way to sound like her creepy uncle when you repeat it back. As in “Aaal-y-sssa, lookin’ gooooood,” This is a fool-proof strategy that will always get you laid.
5.) If you’re tall, you’ll want to consider anyone below shoulder height invisible. It doesn’t matter if they are hot girls, middle-aged moms, or the wheelchair bound. Everyone knows short people aren’t really people. Amiright? You’ve spent far too much time making those shoulders bulky, and you shouldn’t have to work to see below them. Feel free to barrel right into 5’ 2” women, knocking their drink down the front of their dresses, and keep walking as though you’ve just hit a squirrel in the road. “Hey, did you guys feel a bump back there?”
6.) If you’re short, you’re going to need to start a fight, immediately. That douche at the bar was looking at your property, aka-your girlfriend, and he’s going to need to be taught a lesson. I mean, who does this guy think he is? You are assistant manager at the bank for fuck’s sake & you drive a truck bigger than the Great Pyramid of Giza . You’re important, damn it. Look at this guy – drinking his beer with his eye on your property. He’s going to learn some respect, and you’re going to teach him.
7.) After 6 or 7 shots, if you haven’t been kicked out, it will be time to dance. There are any number of ways to be a complete dick on the dance floor, so make sure you study carefully and choose which one is best for you.
The Spastic Dancer Dick:
You love this song! Plus, you’ve got serious moves and the world needs to see them. Sure the club is packed butt to nut, but your moves warrant a full eight-foot radius for their seizure-like awesomeness to be appreciated. You’re going to flail about, eyes closed, limbs in complete disarray, singing the lyrics you barely know while sweat pours down your ironic unicorn t-shirt. You are unconcerned about the destruction you leave in your wake: black eyes, spilled beverages, twisted ankles. You’re dangerous, and when Morrissey’s on, you don’t give a fuck.
Sub category) Swing Dancer Dicks: Same as above, but you’ve taken 6 hours of lessons and you’re going to use them, goddamnit. The DJ is playing a Sabbath remix? Perfect.
The Dancing-as-a-Form-of-Masturbation Dick:
That’s right, you deserve it, and you’re going to get it. You’re the kind of guy who texts photos of his junk to women in your office. The kind of guy who brings a woman home to watch porn on a first date. Ooooh yeah, you understand the subtle art of seduction, especially on the dance floor. See that girl happily dancing with her friends? You know she wants you to dance up on her, breathe down her neck, and rub Drakkar Noir all over her dress. I mean, why else on earth would she even have an ass, if not for you to grab? What other reason could she even exist, if not to fornicate with you? Right fellas? That’s just science and shit.
The Too Drunk to Stand-Up Dancer Dick:
Dude! It’s totally the 3-week anniversary of that sweet youtube video with the cats, let’s celebrate! First you’ll need shots. Then more shots. Pee-break, then more shots. Quick trip out to your cousin’s car for a bowl and a couple of bumps, just to make sure you’re both mellow and tweeked at the same time. Then more shots. Now it’s time to dance, bitches! You’ve got moves like Beyonce. You’re the hottest thing on the dance floor, for about 4 seconds. Until you go tumbling into the crowd like so much felled timber, taking down any innocent strangers in your path. Hope you remembered to wear underwear.
8.) Finally, whatever you do, don’t apologize. Apologies are for people who give a shit how their behavior affects other humans. That’s not you. You don’t care what your mother taught you about manners, she didn’t mean at the club. As long as there’s loud music, booze, and girls in short skirts, manners don’t apply. Everyone knows that. You stepped on someone’s foot? You spilled your drink down their back? You stuck your hand up a stranger’s dress without permission? Not your problem, bro.
So there you have it. Whether your goal is to get punched, arrested, or just wake up with balls drawn on your face, employ these easy tips and you too can be the envy of all your friends and neighbors as the biggest dick at the club.